Breaking the ‘Too Nice’ Trap: Embracing Awkward Conversations
Hey, you’re nice. I get it. And so does everyone else in ABA. We’re a field practically overflowing with nice people.
You care deeply about your clients, you love what you do, and you probably work with others who feel the same way. Nice is the name of the game. But here’s a secret: nice people can struggle with what some might refer to as confrontation. And sometimes being a BCBA requires the occasional awkward conversation with a staff member.
It’s a strange paradox. You’re in this because you care deeply, but “ABA case management” means exactly that—management. If you’re a BCBA with a caseload, it means it’s about maintaining, monitoring, sometimes digging into uncomfortable situations. So much so that we have to have the occasional awkward conversation. For most of us, this isn’t exactly a skill we are dying to develop.
But you know what? You’ve got to make friends with those awkward conversations. Because if you don’t, they’ll sneak up on you and bite. And, like any problem, the longer you avoid it, the bigger it gets.
Don’t Wait for Problems to Find You
As BCBAs, often our job is to manage people (RBTs usually). And that means we can’t wait around for things to blow-up. You have to be on the lookout for issues. Yes, that means more phone calls and more check-ins. Ask people if they have questions about the programs you’ve installed. Don’t be afraid to clarify—and over-clarify—until you’re both crystal clear. Spend a few minutes each week calling, following-up, and, yep, asking questions that sometimes make people pause.
See, the thing about problems is they’re sneaky. They don’t shout. They creep, they snowball, and one day, they’ve gained enough speed to knock you flat. So, get on the prowl. Schedule a time each week to give everyone an open door to tell you what they’re struggling with. Keep your radar on, because the quicker you spot a problem, the quicker you can fix it, with a whole lot less emotion and a lot more professionalism. It’s preventative maintenance, and if you don’t do it, you’ll find yourself face-to-face with a bigger, uglier issue, down the line.
Immunity Through Exposure
The only way to get comfortable with giving feedback? Start giving more feedback. Like developing an immunity, this skill only grows through exposure. Don’t go looking for every tiny flaw just to say you’ve given feedback—but when you spot something? Address it. Then and there. It’s hard, it’s awkward, but it’s honest.
Maybe you notice a new staff member who isn’t handling a client interaction quite right. Don’t wait. Don’t let them keep doing it wrong, piling up habits that will be even harder to break. Say something right away—firm but fair. Giving feedback on the fly helps develop that immunity. You’ll start to feel the awkwardness melt, replaced by an ease that only comes from getting your trial rate up.
You don’t have to be perfect at it, but the sooner you get comfortable, the easier it will be to lean into those moments, and the easier it will be for the person on the other end to take your feedback in stride. And if you’re not sure how to do it? Watch a pro. Sit in on conversations where feedback is delivered like it’s no big deal.
You’ll learn a lot just by observing.
Schedule It, Like a Root Canal (But Hopefully Less Painful)
Here’s where scheduling comes in. Let’s face it: nobody wakes up on a Monday morning fired up to give feedback. And yet, it’s essential. If you’re the type who’s likely to procrastinate on confrontation, this is a lifesaver. Find a time each week—let’s say Friday afternoon. Block it out. Guard it. This is your “feedback hour,” and when it rolls around, that’s when you’re going to get it done.
It works for a few reasons. First, it keeps feedback from coming out of nowhere. People are more receptive to constructive criticism when it’s expected. It’s also easier to deliver feedback when you know exactly when you’re going to do it, rather than surprising yourself (and your nerves) with an impromptu confrontation.
Second, it gives you both a break after the fact. Your staff member heads into the weekend with time to process, decompress, and return with a clearer head. And you? You get the satisfaction of knowing you’ve done your duty—delivered what needed to be said—and you don’t have to think about it until next Friday. It’s scheduled, consistent, and takes away the temptation to avoid it altogether.
Final Thoughts: Embrace the Uncomfortable
I’m not here to tell you this is easy. Or fun. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need constructive feedback because everyone would always be on their A-game. But here’s the reality: that’s not the world we live in. People need direction. People need feedback. And people, your people, deserve to know when something’s off.
With a little scheduling, some proactive troubleshooting, and a solid commitment to embracing discomfort, you’ll get better at this. And eventually? You’ll find it’s not just tolerable—it’s empowering. Because the truth is, being a great manager isn’t just about being nice. It’s about caring enough to help your team be their best, even when it means leaning into what’s hard.
So, I challenge you to take that first step this week. Block off an hour, have that conversation you’ve been avoiding, and start building that muscle. Because the sooner you make peace with giving feedback, the more peace you’ll bring to your team.
Martin Myers is a BCBA with a passion for helping improve the field of ABA. He is the creator of BxMastery, with over 4,000 goal ideas, sequenced, to inspire your programming. With 10+ years of experience in the field, he’s dedicated to empowering others and fostering positive change through effective leadership and communication. Connect with Martin on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok for more insights and updates.