Expect Disrespect: An Expectation Every Good Leader Sets
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I talk about setting clear expectations…like a lot. I think I do this for good reason.
When things go haywire with a job or a relationship or on a trip or whatever in life, it goes haywire when someone, somewhere expected something different than what reality presented.
We tend to picture something in our future a certain way. We dream about this image. We cozy up to it.
But that image doesn’t always show up. In fact, if we’re a little inexperienced or new to a situation, that image might be wildly different than what actually transpires.
Understanding and accepting the reality of a job, for example, before we accept the offer, is incredibly important. If we don’t understand the realities, the curveballs, the dark alleys etc., then we find ourselves a lot more disappointed and disenfranchised as time goes on. “It was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be this way…but it’s not” we say to ourselves.
Now, sometimes it’s reasonable to expect differently. If you’re a BCBA and you expected to have a caseload smaller than 47 kids and you have a caseload with 47 kids, then yes…it’s not your expectations of the role that are at fault. And, if you’re a BCBA who has asked for clinical guidance repeatedly from your supervisor and never gotten that guidance, then there is reason for disappointment in the way things are turning out.
However, there are some components of a job in ABA (whether it’s a BCBA position or a leadership position) that are just going to be…well…hard. Or at least hard at first.
Embarking on a career as a BCBA or stepping into a leadership role, it's crucial to brace yourself for the inevitable challenges that accompany these positions. One such inevitable challenge? Encountering disrespect. It's not the most pleasant expectation to set, but it's a realistic one. The truth is, at some point in your journey, you'll face disrespect—from colleagues, parents, or RBTs. The knee-jerk reaction is often a mix of surprise and indignation: "You can't talk to me that way." But, the reality is this: they can, and they will. Why? Because our ability to control others' behavior is very limited, especially when it comes to their reactions, perceptions, and their past history.
People do stuff that is weird…and unprofessional…and downright mean sometimes. And that’s not fair. But, it’s a real thing that happens and we can’t act like it won’t.
The crux of being a successful leader or BCBA doesn't lie in eliminating those unpleasant behaviors, like rudeness or disrespect. Instead, it's about crafting a professional response and cultivating a personal resilience. It's about expecting to develop thick skin—an armor that's gradually forged through experience and exposure to challenging interactions. This expectation isn't meant to dampen your enthusiasm, but to armor you against the harsh realities of interpersonal dynamics in a leadership role.
There is a silver lining, though.
Embracing this expectation prepares you for the realities of the field. You'll find yourself developing a robustness that allows you to handle difficult conversations with grace and ease. Over time, what once seemed daunting becomes manageable, even routine.
You learn that the key isn't avoiding disrespect but evolving your response to it.
So, with all that in mind, take a look at some of those annoying and semi-painful features of your position. List them out, seriously. And then, reframe your relationship with those things. Don’t categorize them as bad things or things to watch out for. Instead, look at each of these things: whether it’s rude people, parent trainings, problem behavior, session notes, etc.—as steps on a staircase that takes you to the next level. Crafting an effective response brings a little joy after awhile, and eventually you’ll notice that you’re good at what you do…and life is good.