Precious Moments: Programming for the Parent-Child Relationship
A few weeks ago I wrote a 3 part series regarding parent training (Here is Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 ). A couple of clinicians reached out asking if I’d be willing to expand on a few of the tips from the series. One was in regard to my comments on keeping parent training simple. Instead of diving into the “ABA” portion of parent training, I noted the importance of keeping things elementary. As in as having parents hug their kiddo a certain number of times each day. This week I want to talk about the importance of the caregiver-learner relationship. Additionally, I highlight a few things we can do to ensure that our kiddos’ relationship with their caregiver is thriving and why it is so important.
Caregivers are incredibly reinforcing…for all of us. As infants, caregivers keep us alive. They’re necessary for our survival. When we’re cold or hungry it is their presence that usually indicates we’ll have our needs met soon. Keeping tabs on our caregivers is survival at its basic form. If we know where Mom is at, and we know that she’ll routinely make sure we’re safe, we’re living the good life.
As we gain more independence, we don’t need our caregivers as much as as we used to. As such, their value decreases over time as we gain (or think we gain) more independence. Teenagers are known for voicing how much they no longer need their caregivers. Of course, in most cases, they over estimate themselves.
But, for our learners, it can be a different story. For them, those skills that help them gain independence are still developing and some of our learners have significant skill delays. For learners that are non-verbal, for example, the people that can understand them—usually their caregivers—are exponentially valuable to them.
And, if a caregiver is of extreme value to a kiddo, that means their attention is incredibly important to them, too. If you’re a kiddo, attention from your caregiver can mean a variety of things. If anything, it indicates that they are immediately available and accessible.
So, if caregiver attention is so valuable, what does that mean?
Well, it can mean a variety of things. One thing that it could mean is that our learners might get pretty darn anxious when the attention that they so terribly want from their caregiver is unavailable, unpredictable, easily disrupted, or minimal. And that also might mean that our learner will be driven to engage in all kinds of attention seeking behavior to make that attention available, predictable, and more frequent.
Families get busy and life is crazy! With advent of smart phones, it is likely safe to say that they’re even more distracted.
So what do we do about it?
One of the useful things that I’ve done is to coach families on setting aside time to help their learners get the attention they need. Not just any kind of attention though. Certainly parents are attending to their child throughout their day. This is a different kind of attention. It’s a kind of attention that isn’t distracted or sporadic. It’s the kind of parent-child attention thats geared toward quality.
Here’s what I do.
First, I usually ask them to set aside at least 10 minutes each day. Most families prefer bedtimes as it seems to fit naturally into the schedule. Then I ask them to give their child quality attention that looks something like this:
It’s exclusive. Ideally, I suggest that the caregiver choose an environment where they can give exclusive attention to the learner. That means 1:1 attention. No siblings. No smart phones. No TVs. No interruptions. Most caregivers prefer to do this in the child’s bedroom as they might have control over the space. Whatever the case, we want to make it as exclusive as possible.
Orienting toward them. During this time, I like to coach the caregiver on engaging in behaviors that indicate that they are attending to the child. Ideally, caregivers will at least be oriented toward the learner, in an unbroken fashion (meaning they don’t pivot away from the child) for the entirety of their time together. Obviously this isn’t always feasible, but its important that they communicate that they are attending with their body.
Physical attention. I like to stress that you can have an entire conversation with a kiddo just by rubbing their head or giving them a hug. We all know the touch of a loved one and we all know how meaningful it is. Given that physical touch isn’t aversive, I encourage parents to engage in unbroken physical contact as well (meaning non-stop head rubs, back rubs, hugs, etc.). If the kiddo is doing their own thing, just keeping a gentle touch on their back as they play can be enough. Doing so is worth 1,000 words and it communicates that “I’m here, I’m watching you, and I care about you.” It’s important to note that this only works if the learner isn’t averse to things like physical touch.
Positive tone, positive topic. I like coaching the caregiver on how they speak to their child. During this 10 minute period, the caregiver shouldn’t be talking about anything that isn’t immediately pertinent to the child. If the kiddo is playing with a toy, they should be commenting on the toy (“Ohhh, cool wheels!”). They’re tone should positive and calm.
Just be there. Last but not least, I let caregivers know that their learner might not be that motivated for any of the above. It might seem that they’re being ignored even. That’s okay. Let them play with their toys and do their thing and simply be there, continuing to orient toward them as they move around. Maybe they are on the other side of the room. Maybe they’re deeply absorbed in a book. Whatever the case, just being there, with undivided attention, for ten minutes, is priceless.
Quality attention goes a long way between caregiver and child. First, it takes ever-so-valuable caregiver attention and it makes it exclusive to the learner, consistently, predictably, for a significant amount of time, and on a daily basis.
The learner doesn’t have to engage in problem behavior to get it because they know it’s coming to them at the end of the day (or whenever the caregiver chooses to engage it). Curbing the anxiety that comes when attention doesn’t come, this process quenches that powerful thirst that every kid has—the thirst to be seen and attended to by the person that keeps them safe—their parent.
I also think it does something else.
As human beings, we have a fundamental need to be a reinforcer to someone. And, in the beginning stages of our life, we want to know that we are of precious value to our caregiver. Spending precious time and precious attention with a kiddo for a few short moments a day—the right way—doesn’t simply communicate that we’ll keep them safe. Instead, I think it communicates something far deeper.
It shows them that they mean everything…to us.
Thank you for reading! Obviously, these tips and tricks depend on the family and the learner and it’s important to remain sensitive to that. Hit me back with comments and questions!
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