The Conversation Before the One You Thought You Were Gonna Have
I’m not a prophet or preacher, but I can tell you what I’ve learned over time as a BCBA. If you think hard conversations with an RBT (or a caregiver or a school official) are supposed to be quick and tidy, you’re in for a sore surprise.
This may seem like common sense but it never ceases to amaze me how I often I used to walk into an angry, conversational “storm” thinking I’d come out dry on the other side.
Naturally, I got soaked.
You’ve probably had those nasty voicemails or text messages waiting for you from a staff member, superior, or a caregiver where they’re madder than a hornet in a Coke bottle. In responding to these individuals, you best know this: what they want first—beyond all other things—is NOT an answer.
It’s an ear.
It’s getting these voicemails (or heading into these tough conversations) that makes us want to square our shoulders, adjust our spectacles, and launch into some kind of grand explanation about policy and precedent.
The reason this behavior plan includes witholding your son’s all time favorite thing ever is because it’s SCIENCE, Mrs. Smith. After cross referencing the functional analyses from 4 different BCBAs, it’s clear that the iPad-skittle combo is facilitating a blah, blah, blah. Certainly you love science, Mrs. Smith. And trust me, I’m a BCBA.
Don’t do this. It’s like trying to read a recipe to a man who’s on fire.
It just isn’t what they need just now.
I’ve always liked breaking these tough and fiery conversations into two parts.
The first part is the boiling pot stage. Let the pot boil. Don’t stir it. Don’t pour cold water on it. Just watch. Nod a little. Better yet, lean in and nod. Give your undivided attention.
Believe it or not here, if you truly do this the right way, you’ll feel your heart strings tug and twang.
Say things like:
“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
“That must’ve been hard.”
“Tell me more about that.”
Ask them about the part that really got their goat. Let them speak their piece, all of it. Even the parts that aren’t exactly fair to you. Yes, you’re a good person and you help people and you might be certain that you’re on the right track and they’re telling you that it’s all your fault.
But it’s here that separates the professionals from the amateurs. It’s here where the people with huge egos and massive pride, fail. It’s at this point, that our dignity is galvanized as clinicians.
People don’t always want to be right. They want to be heard. So, give them that. Then say something like:
“I surely appreciate you telling me all this. I’d like to take a little time to think it about how we can make this better. Can we chat again tomorrow?”
That line buys you two things: Time and respect.
And if it doesn’t? Well, you still kept your honor and professionalism intact. That’s always a win.
Once the dust’s settled and the temperature drops below boiling, now—now—you can get down to brass tacks. Bring your facts. Bring your thought-through conclusion.
Bring your steady voice.
You aren’t there to win. You’re there to steady the wagon.Tell them what you learned.
Tell them what you’re thinking. Don’t tell them what you’ve decided—unless you’re sure that there isn’t any other way around it.
When having these conversations, use language that makes it feel like you both are coming at this from the same side of the table.
As I look at this, based on X, Y, and Z, here’s what I’m thinking we could do. What do you think? Am I coming at this from the right angle?
And, if it’s something—like a policy thing—you might need to be a little less flimsy, but fair at the same time.
“I took the evening to think things over and to review our policy on this. I spoke with several colleagues and supervisors. And, this pains me, but we unfortunately can’t teach your child how to juggle fiery objects. I know that stinks—but we simply can’t do it. But what we CAN do is this…”
If you’ve done your listening right in round one, they might not love your decision—but they’ll likely accept it.
And if they don’t?
Well... you might be heading to another conversation. But follow the same protocol. Rinse and repeat. Listen hard, first. And, then give them time.
Easier said than done. Share your thoughts!
Happy Friday!
Martin Myers is a BCBA with a passion for helping improve the field of ABA. He is the creator of BxMastery, with over 4,000 goal ideas, sequenced, to inspire your programming. With 10+ years of experience in the field, he’s dedicated to empowering others and fostering positive change through effective leadership and communication. Connect with Martin on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok for more insights and updates.